This line stood out to me: "We were different from each other, certainly, but we were pouring all our energies into correcting those differences instead of understanding them."
Thank you, Rachel! I've really been enjoying and benefiting from your work on estrangement as well :) This piece is part of a series I'm planning on here, and I'd be happy to give you a trial gift subscription as a token of my appreciation for the work you've been doing!
Brilliant, insightful and so urgent. Our young LGBTQ community is being led to grievous self-harm by this estrangement movement. Glad to see someone with the courage to call out the harms.
What a Sunday morning gift to have the time to read—and then to have the read be beyond worth it! As a young baby boomer (who can’t quite recite the playlist) I really appreciate the understanding this piece brings. Parent child relationships definitely fraught through the ages. But there can be understanding. And sometimes not. Thank you for this amazing piece.
Another stunner. Though I am one of those who benefited from a clean break from family, I relate to so much of this piece. I remember being knee-deep in ideology and thinking (quietly to myself, so as to avoid being problematic)“Surely not every parent is so terribly monstrous as to necessitate no-contact?”
Not to, like, kink shame or anything, but sometimes daddy is simply daddy and we need no proxy. Can mommy be mommy, too? Let’s keep asking those real questions.
"Each generation thinks it’s the first to shrug off the past and remake the present"
The Baby Boomers thought that. The ones before and since grasp the idea that the world existed before them.
There was no detail about the actual wrongs committed by the family here, unless the pronoun delusion thing was it. One would need to include anecdotes and actual quotes from conversations for anyone to know whether they ultimate decisions made by all were wise.
Some people who are all tied up in "job status" stuff end up sticking with their crappy families because they *need the proximity* to a higher social level they themselves feel they cannot achieve. Part of this is also hoping for inheritance.
Boomers are leaving pretty much nothing to their progeny. Never let the thought of being "respectable" by sticking with attorneys or "medical health professionals" (code for "nurses" because lord knows anyone with physicians in their families CANNOT go without specifically stating it) cloud your brain. And *definitely* don't drag a friend into all your troubles hoping that they will create the "tug of war" tension that makes you feel so wanted and fought over between your fam and your friend. It would all be in your head anyway, as the friend has her own life, and is just offering you a chance to learn by her example. There's an expiration date on it.
All of that job title stuff is nothing. It's dust in the wind (hey hey, Kansas). It's an imaginary little world wherein all the other people who sold themselves to the freemasonic college degree system all sit and pretend together that they are important now.
Meanwhile most people just see them as ..kinda lame and desperate.
Thank you for sharing. Your comments have provided me with additional clarity re the fatalistic nature of affixing a "label" to any human being. Indeed, there is an ultimate, yet unknown, expiration date for each human being's earthly physical life.
I merely continue living this life in faith/hope that one day before the physical end of my life or the physical end of my EC's life, that we will reunite in full acceptance of who we each have become and in full acceptance of who we each may become before leaving this earthly plane. Forgiveness, acceptance, grace and joy are extended to all.
But nah, the point is that the friends you drag into your family drama hoping they will "fight over you" to give your life meaning ..you need to hurry and learn from that friend and not just play around, because otherwise there's an expiration date on the friendship.
Trying to keep proximity to people with some kind of "position" is never worth it. If you are sticking around for inheritance, you probably won't get much. Not worth it. Being independent is much more stable long term.
Some don't deserve forgiveness, and giving it to them will only destroy your own life. Good luck.
Not a bot here. Offering up forgiveness brings peace to the party giving it. However it does not mean forgetting truly abusive behavior. My family has no money or investments to pass on to the next gen, so that piece is not in play here. Best wishes for your own journey and healing.
You will receive the "best wishes" you desperately seek only if you realize the truth:
People attain peace just fine without forgiveness, and victims of abuse are under no obligation to forgive, especially if no apology and big changes have come from the perp.
Without this truth, you will not grow. No one can make you improve yourself. It's up to you and you have to *want* it.
Exactly. Thank you for sharing the simple, yet oh so complex, bottom line that effectively has twisted western society up into the suffocating stranglehold of human existence... the uniquely human, and ideologically partisan, familial estrangement game. In the absence of authentic communication there truly can be NO relationship.
This line stood out to me: "We were different from each other, certainly, but we were pouring all our energies into correcting those differences instead of understanding them."
What a profoundly moving, brilliantly written, thoughtful piece. Deeply grateful you’ve shared this with us and I look forward to reading more!
Thank you, Rachel! I've really been enjoying and benefiting from your work on estrangement as well :) This piece is part of a series I'm planning on here, and I'd be happy to give you a trial gift subscription as a token of my appreciation for the work you've been doing!
Already subscribed and happy to pay! thank you!!! ❤️
Brilliant, insightful and so urgent. Our young LGBTQ community is being led to grievous self-harm by this estrangement movement. Glad to see someone with the courage to call out the harms.
What a Sunday morning gift to have the time to read—and then to have the read be beyond worth it! As a young baby boomer (who can’t quite recite the playlist) I really appreciate the understanding this piece brings. Parent child relationships definitely fraught through the ages. But there can be understanding. And sometimes not. Thank you for this amazing piece.
Very moved, Rafael. Thanks for sharing your story, and doing so alongside such complex and nuanced insights ....
Also, listening to 'Old Man' right after your piece made it really land. Beautiful.
Another stunner. Though I am one of those who benefited from a clean break from family, I relate to so much of this piece. I remember being knee-deep in ideology and thinking (quietly to myself, so as to avoid being problematic)“Surely not every parent is so terribly monstrous as to necessitate no-contact?”
Not to, like, kink shame or anything, but sometimes daddy is simply daddy and we need no proxy. Can mommy be mommy, too? Let’s keep asking those real questions.
What a wonderful piece!
Too simply put-Rafael's Cosmic Cheeto is a an ongoing journey, into the depths of the human heart!
Enlightening and timely. Well said. Thank you. Keep writing and sharing. It truly "takes a village".
I don’t know you but I feel seen by you. Thank you for that ❤️
This is a fantastic, amazing piece of writing. Wow and thank you.
Great start! Looking forward to reading more of this….
I’m certain the Universe brought me to you. I’m looking forward to more.
So captivating.
"Each generation thinks it’s the first to shrug off the past and remake the present"
The Baby Boomers thought that. The ones before and since grasp the idea that the world existed before them.
There was no detail about the actual wrongs committed by the family here, unless the pronoun delusion thing was it. One would need to include anecdotes and actual quotes from conversations for anyone to know whether they ultimate decisions made by all were wise.
Some people who are all tied up in "job status" stuff end up sticking with their crappy families because they *need the proximity* to a higher social level they themselves feel they cannot achieve. Part of this is also hoping for inheritance.
Boomers are leaving pretty much nothing to their progeny. Never let the thought of being "respectable" by sticking with attorneys or "medical health professionals" (code for "nurses" because lord knows anyone with physicians in their families CANNOT go without specifically stating it) cloud your brain. And *definitely* don't drag a friend into all your troubles hoping that they will create the "tug of war" tension that makes you feel so wanted and fought over between your fam and your friend. It would all be in your head anyway, as the friend has her own life, and is just offering you a chance to learn by her example. There's an expiration date on it.
All of that job title stuff is nothing. It's dust in the wind (hey hey, Kansas). It's an imaginary little world wherein all the other people who sold themselves to the freemasonic college degree system all sit and pretend together that they are important now.
Meanwhile most people just see them as ..kinda lame and desperate.
Food for thought.
Thank you for sharing. Your comments have provided me with additional clarity re the fatalistic nature of affixing a "label" to any human being. Indeed, there is an ultimate, yet unknown, expiration date for each human being's earthly physical life.
I merely continue living this life in faith/hope that one day before the physical end of my life or the physical end of my EC's life, that we will reunite in full acceptance of who we each have become and in full acceptance of who we each may become before leaving this earthly plane. Forgiveness, acceptance, grace and joy are extended to all.
Your comment sounds very botlike.
But nah, the point is that the friends you drag into your family drama hoping they will "fight over you" to give your life meaning ..you need to hurry and learn from that friend and not just play around, because otherwise there's an expiration date on the friendship.
Trying to keep proximity to people with some kind of "position" is never worth it. If you are sticking around for inheritance, you probably won't get much. Not worth it. Being independent is much more stable long term.
Some don't deserve forgiveness, and giving it to them will only destroy your own life. Good luck.
Not a bot here. Offering up forgiveness brings peace to the party giving it. However it does not mean forgetting truly abusive behavior. My family has no money or investments to pass on to the next gen, so that piece is not in play here. Best wishes for your own journey and healing.
You will receive the "best wishes" you desperately seek only if you realize the truth:
People attain peace just fine without forgiveness, and victims of abuse are under no obligation to forgive, especially if no apology and big changes have come from the perp.
Without this truth, you will not grow. No one can make you improve yourself. It's up to you and you have to *want* it.
There are those don’t want to talk about their differences and the reasoning behind it. They simply will not do it.
Exactly. Thank you for sharing the simple, yet oh so complex, bottom line that effectively has twisted western society up into the suffocating stranglehold of human existence... the uniquely human, and ideologically partisan, familial estrangement game. In the absence of authentic communication there truly can be NO relationship.