Am I Allowed to Do This?

Success is in the eye of the beholder

I was driving down a highway in New Mexico last month when my chest tightened with panic. Am I allowed to do this? I wondered. Am I allowed to call myself a full-time writer?

It was an unromantic thought to have in a very romantic setting. Above me was a giant sky quilted with clouds that glowed white-gold. Ahead of me, the highway led into a smoky ridge of mountains. And all I could think about was the fact that, while I was technically writing novels and essays as my family’s exclusive source of income, I wasn’t exactly “making it.”

I’ve always been the kind of person who plays it safe. For me, this meant climbing ladders. I was a careerist in my 20s: I wanted to get into the best MFA program, and then I wanted to publish the best book I could write for the best advance I could get. When I published my first book, I’d hoped that the world would anoint me a Stunning New Talent. When it didn’t, I tried climbing a different set of ladders. I’d always loved teaching, and was thrilled to get a job as an assistant professor at a small public university. I tried to prove myself there, too, and was awarded early tenure. I was thirty-four, and had been at the school five years. I loved working with the students, both grad and undergrad. I felt I might have found my niche.

But then something insane happened. Beginning in December of 2023, I was the victim of a long con. (Yes, right after publishing a book about scamming.) Here’s what happened: 1) I became close friends with a person who shared my age and queer-trans identity makeup; 2) With the help of two criminal associates, he burrowed into my life, gaining access to my home, my finances, my social circle, and my personal information; 3) Using techniques of behavioral authoritarianism typically applied by cults, he and his associates emptied my savings, ran up both my credit cards, goaded me into a severe substance abuse relapse, unsuccessfully attempted to break off my engagement, and infiltrated my workplace with the ultimate (though also unsuccessful) aim of getting me fired; 4) After waking up from this long con, I learned that the grifter and his two associates were affiliated with a cult local to the Southern Illinois town I was living in.

Moving through this entire ordeal and recovering from it cost me well upwards of $50k – money I definitely didn’t have lying around. Even after I’d extricated myself from the energy vampire, I felt like a leaky bucket in constant need of patching. I kept falling apart, and the massive amounts of debt I was in kept compounding. The town was crawling with members of the cult the grifter belonged to; I felt watched and crazy at the same time. I was having PTSD meltdowns several times a day, and the leadership in my academic department was summarily unsympathetic.

So my wife and I left. We started traveling with no safety net, and no sense of where we wanted to end up. I strung together freelance work as we moved from place to place – a friend of a friend’s two-bedroom here, a short-term rental there – and for months, we quite literally lived from paycheck to paycheck. This state of affairs began over a year ago, and I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t still happening now.

That said, certain clouds have cleared. I’ve found more of a safety net. My relationship with my family, heavily strained while I was under the grifter’s influence, has been restored, and my parents have generously helped whenever they can. I’ve been the beneficiary of incredible help from too many friends and family to name here, though some deserve a special mention : Zak, J, Karam, Laney, Karl, Graham, George, Tyler, Diedre, Rosemary Helen and all those who are paying for this newsletter and taking my classes. And the work has paid off: slowly but surely, the full-time writing career has finally begun to take shape.

Being as I’ve always been a person who plays it safe, I can promise you that it would have taken me years to even consider embarking on the career I’ve had to cobble together in fast motion while staying a half-step ahead of my own debt. Even if I hadn’t been conned out of my entire savings and lines of credit, I’d still probably have found several reasons not to take risks. And not just positive reasons – I will always love teaching – but negative ones: my books haven’t sold well enough, not enough people know who I am, X or Y peer has done better commercially or critically, I’m making a fool of myself, people will laugh at me. And I’m going to be honest: even as I’ve reassured countless emerging writers that their self-doubt is unfounded, even as I’ve accumulated certain stamps of validation (Big 5 publishing contracts, longlisting for a prize, wider recognition for even my most controversial essays and criticism, screenplay options and screenwriting work), I’ve maintained all of these insecurities in some capacity. There’s been no deus ex machina payday yet, and it has required all my effort not to let my sense of self-worth get sucked out of my chest like the debt that vacuums the money out of my checking account.

And yet! The career is still happening. Unsteady terrain doesn’t mean groundwork isn’t being laid. Remarkable things are percolating, reader. Even amidst the insecurities, I’ve been able to keep a candle of faith burning, and that little guy has burned long enough that I’m starting to see what I’ve been building, starting to realize my wife was right. I wasn’t crazy to believe in myself. And no one else was crazy to believe in me.

Case in point: I was in New Mexico to give a reading at a university where I have some very cool friends who care deeply about art. The reading was wonderful, and the students were brilliant. Feeling inspired when I got back to my casita after the reading, I pulled two cards from a tarot deck I always keep with me while I’m traveling. The magician and the hierophant: both major arcana, the first signifying the transformation of talent and new beginnings, the second mentorship and insight.

I took this to mean two things, reader. Success is in the eye of the beholder. And if I can manage a creative life after being pushed jarringly out of the nest, then so can you. Whenever and however you want to.

Some new offerings this fall:

Major Arcana is a pay-what-you-can Zoom class that blends tarot and personal essay for an evening of (spooky) self-discovery!

Thursday, October 30th 4:30-6:00 PST / 6:30-8:00 CST / 7:30- 9:00 EST

Suggested donation: $22-$66, though you really can pay anything!

Sign up here: Major Arcana Sign-Up

In this 4-week Zoom class, we’ll focus on turning our novels from ideas-in-progress to works in progress! We’ll aim to produce a minimum of 2,500 words a week while workshopping excerpts and building creative rhythms that make writing and working sustainable.

Class will begin after 10/27, time TBD by participants. Class size limited to 4 participants max.

Cost: $450; past students and paid subscribers qualify for discounts.

Sign up here: Novel Generator Sign-Up

Drafting a novel? Struggling with craft questions, faltering self-confidence, or the need to develop a creative rhythm that balances writing, work, and family? Book me as your writing partner!

This personalized service only available to 3 writers at a time.

Sign up for more info & a consultation: Novel Drafting Help